


i've never known (love)

by jojotxt



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depressed Kids, It's kind of sad but it gets less sad, M/M, Mentioned: Shiro/Matt, Pidge is the master at card games rip shiro you will be missed, Smoking, This is very Keith-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7717273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojotxt/pseuds/jojotxt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard, Keith thinks, to be in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've never known (love)

**Author's Note:**

> SO before I say anything, I want to yell because my STUPID BAKERY AU GOT OVER 1000 KUDOS OMFG I'M DYING!!! And I am blown away by all the nice comments I've gotten on all of my klance fics!!! I want to cry and give all of you love because your kind words give me inspiration and motivation to keep writing! Thank you so much! 
> 
> Anyway, some meaning behind this weird??? fic:  
> -I... projected a lot of myself onto Keith so sorry if this is too #relatable  
> -There's A LOT of smoking in this so if that makes you uncomfortable please don't read it!   
> -There is some humor in here but it's a lot of angst.   
> -There is happiness though because I cannot bear to have these two boys be upset for long!  
> -I was inspired but (ofc) another song! This one is "To Be Alone With You" by Sufjan Steven! Check it out if you wanna, it's a very soft song!
> 
> Anyway, thank you once again! I hope you enjoy! :"3

It’s hard, Keith thinks, to be in love.

 

It’s hard because when he thinks about his future, and everything that it holds in store for him, he can only think of _him_.

 

He first “meets” him on a busy street in the small town he’s lived in for most of his life. Keith is situated on a bench on the sidewalk, watching people float by. Cars whiz past; he’s counted 1,394. He is broken out of his mindless counting by a shadow looming over him. He looks up and is met with steely dark eyes and a frown that cuts through Keith’s soul. He thinks the man says something to him, but Keith can’t really tell because he is too enraptured with the way the man’s mouth moves around his formed words and the way his nose scrunches up in distaste, like it physically pains him to speak. Keith feels like he must be making a stupid face, something akin to awe mixed with fear and wonder.

 

And suddenly, the beautiful man in front of him is gone, and he’s left with his thoughts and the 1,394 cars he had counted.

 

They meet again at a college party, in a smoke-filled hazy sort of way. Keith doesn’t like to drink, so the Coke in his hand is his only reprieve. The room is small and cramped and there’s a small circle of people playing spin the bottle and Keith wonders, _exactly how old are these people?_ They beckon him over with smiles and jeers, and Keith finds himself pressed next to the man—Lance, their bodies sharing warmth. Lance side-eyes him and clicks his tongue, his gaze moving to the bottle.

 

The bottle spins, kisses are shared. Keith kisses two girls and three boys and they’re nothing spectacular. Next to him, Lance is smoking a cigarette, watching the spectacles with blank eyes. When it’s his turn to spin, he stubs out his cigarette on the hardwood floor, and Keith has the mind to want to chastise him at his rude action. But he doesn’t, and Lance spins the bottle and it comes to a stuttering halt, the lip pointing at Keith.

 

Keith can feel his hearth thudding through his ears, and his skin prickles where Lance’s side is pressed against his. He can see people laughing and sneering at them to get on with it, but the only thing he can hear is a slight ringing in his ear and the sigh Lance lets out as he sits up straighter. Keith swallows thickly when Lance gives him a crooked grin and leans in.

 

Keith barely registers that Lance is kissing him, and before he knows it, it’s over, and Lance is pulling another cigarette out of the carton and getting up, leaving the game with the excuse that he has to piss.

 

The game continues on monotonously, Keith barely feeling or caring about the other people he kisses. When the game finally lets up, Keith sighs and looks around the room, hoping to see a navy bomber jacket and a crooked grin situated around a cigarette. When he spots Lance in the corner of the room, playing on his phone, Keith goes over to him and tells him his name.

 

“Ah, shit,” Lance grumbles around his cigarette, clicking his phone off. He gives a lazy grin to Keith. “I hatched another Pidgey.” He nods. “Keith, huh? Y’know, you’re a pretty shitty kisser.” He takes the cigarette out of his mouth, smoke streaming through his lips, and taps the ashes off.

 

Keith watches him set the cigarette back in his mouth. “I haven’t had much practice.” He bites his lip and looks up at Lance through his lashes.

 

Lance raises an eyebrow. “Is that supposed to be you flirting with me?”

 

Keith shrugs, hoping that his heart won’t beat out of his chest. “It’s whatever you want it to be.”

 

Lance grins with a feral glint in his eyes. “Interesting.” He holds out his hand. “Lance.”

 

Keith resists the urge to say _I know_. Because after countless searching and browsing through the internet, he had found Lance on the college website. He was there for law, and was pretty damn amazing at it, from what Keith had read. Instead, he takes Lance’s hand and shakes it, meeting the grin with a smile of his own. “A pleasure to meet you, _Lance_.”

 

Lance smirks. “Likewise, _Keith_.”

 

Keith soon finds out that Lance is like a tidal wave, a storm of the roughest winds and there’s fire and lightning in his eyes that Keith finds unimaginably beautiful. The feeling of being punched in the gut throws Keith off balance and suddenly, he’s caught in the whirlwind that is Lance, who’s voice is like thunder and who’s actions can cause a massive explosion. He’s persuasive and argumentative and sometimes Keith finds himself so enveloped in Lance’s grip, that he can hardly breathe.  

 

Lance is something so new and foreign to Keith. He’s a tropical storm at some points, a soothing breeze the next, and then suddenly he becomes fierce and wild, a hurricane. A cyclone.

 

He manages to get under Keith’s skin in the best possible ways and Keith had never thought someone could be so exhilarating yet frustrating at the same time.

 

Lance breaks down Keith’s walls one by one until there’s nothing left to shield him from the world. Keith is laid bare before Lance now, his heart drawn in permanent marker on his sleeve. Lance sees through him, all of Keith’s hopes and dreams and his faults and his fears. Lance sees them all, and he doesn’t scorn and mock Keith for his flaws. He doesn’t leave Keith hanging by a thread, over the dark pit of Keith’s own anxiety and fears. He welcomes him; he forcibly removes Keith from his secluded life where it was merely himself and himself alone. Lance creates space for Keith in his life so easily.

 

Lance so quickly becomes a main factor in Keith’s life. He becomes a staple, a rock. He becomes the puzzle piece that Keith didn’t know he so desperately needed. Suddenly, waking up doesn’t feel like a burden to Keith anymore. Now, when he wakes up, he is greeted with numerous texts and voice mails, all from Lance, just talking about random things. Talking about things that don’t matter: a really good piece of lettuce he ate the other day, the new episode of _Game of Thrones_ , the Snorlax that he caught at a pizza buffet. Those kinds of things. Lance makes Keith feel happy. He makes him feel _wanted_.

 

It’s a weird feeling, knowing that you’re _wanted_.

 

Lance is exhilarating, he is something new. He is like the first ride of a rollercoaster, so quick and thrilling and the thought of being close to him makes Keith’s stomach flip in on itself.

 

Lance is everything Keith had wanted and more, so it’s no surprise how quickly he ended up falling for him.

 

Keith soon realizes that Lance’s life is nothing spectacular, yet so incredibly amazing to Keith. Lance’s small, tight-knit group of friends are a band of misfits, much like Lance himself. He joins Lance one day in his small, run-down apartment, half past ten. Lance’s friends are gathered around his coffee table as cards are haphazardly thrown into the center. He watches as Lance taps a cigarette out of the box and lights it up with a flick. His hands are smooth, gliding easily against the lighter and stick. He’s had practice, Keith notes, and he wonders how long Lance has been destroying his body for.

 

“Can’t you smoke on the balcony?” Shiro mutters from Keith’s side. He shakes his head and glares at Hunk. “Bullshit.”

 

“Damn, you got me,” Hunk grumbles, grabbing the discard pile. “How is it that every time I’ve got a fake card, I’m always called out?” He grabs his soda and downs it in one go.

 

“It’s cuz you look guilty,” Lance smirks around his cigarette. He points at Shiro. “Also, no. My apartment, my rules.” He takes it out of his mouth and exhales a stream of smoke. He looks over at Keith, who is caught staring. He grins crookedly. “What?”

 

Keith shrugs and looks down. “Nothing.”

 

Lance nudges him with his foot. “It’s obviously not _nothing_. You don’t just creepily stare at someone for no reason.” He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and grins. “C’mon, fess up.”

 

Keith rolls his eyes and sets down a card in the middle of the pile.

 

“Bullshit!” Hunk calls out.

 

“Sorry,” Keith shrugs, turning over the card he had set down. He ignores Hunks whine and meets Lance’s gaze. “I was just wondering…” He licks a stripe across his bottom lip, and tries to ignore the way his face flares up when Lance’s eyes follow the movement. “How long have you been smoking?”

 

“Bullshit!” Pidge hollers. “Bullshit, Shiro!”

 

Shiro groans. “How are you so good at this, Pidge. You’re like the Bullshit _Master_.” He reluctantly takes the discard pile.

 

Lance hums and rubs his hand over his chin. “Well, I started in high school.”

 

Keith quirks up an eyebrow. “Really?” He tries to imagine a prepubescent, acne-ridden Lance smoking against the back breezeway of the school like some kind of punk. He then tries to hold in his snort.

 

Lance waves a hand dismissively. “Well, I tried it once. I think it was, like, at some party that I wasn’t invited to but when to anyway. I didn’t last two seconds with it in my mouth. I started coughing.” He snort-laughs. “And then I threw up in a plant.” He takes his cigarette, and a stream of smoke comes out from his mouth.

 

“What kind of plant?” Pidge asks, setting a card into the pile.

 

Lance’s eyebrows furrow. “I think it was a ficus?

 

“Not the ficus!” Pidge wails.

 

Keith shakes his head. “You monster.”

 

Lance raises his hands up in surrender. “So, I killed a house plant with my barf. Sue me.”

 

Keith huffs out a laugh and leans against the table, resting his head against his palm. He looks at Lance’s smiling face and tries to calm his beating heart.

 

“I tried smoking again Freshman year of college, and I guess I got better at it? Or something.” Lance shrugs. “Anyway, I’ve been doing it since then. Really eases away the stress, y’know?”

 

“No, I don’t know.” Keith shakes his head.

 

“Well, good. Don’t smoke. It’s bad for your health.” Lance places the cigarette back in his mouth. “Shit will kill ya.”

 

Keith tilts his head. “That’s kind of ironic.”

 

Lance shrugs. “Look, I have my priorities. I don’t care about my own health and well-being. But I care about yours.” Keith’s heart thumps painfully. “So I’m going to make sure that you don’t smoke, alright?” He leans in close and whispers. “Promise me you won’t smoke, alright? I need you to promise.” Lance gives Keith such a sincere look, and Keith visibly gulps.

 

He nods with a shaky movement. “Alright.” _He cares about you._

 

Lance nods back and sits up straighter. “That goes for the rest of you fucks as well. I better not see a single cigarette in any of your mouths.”

 

_He cares about you._

 

“You know, secondhand smoking is a leading cause of death in America,” Shiro grumbles, pointedly _not_ looking at Lance, and instead is examining his cards intently.

 

“Yeah, yeah. No need to vague me.” Lance grins.

 

Shiro frowns and sends Lance a disappointed glance from over his cards. “I’m serious, Lance.”

 

“And _I’m_ serious that you’ll be fine, alright? Stop dragging me.” Lance purposefully blows smoke in Shiro’s general direction.

 

“The _discourse_ ,” Pidge whispers.

 

“You’re such a dad, Shiro,” Hunk laughs.

 

“Just because I care about my friends’ health does not mean I’m a _dad_!” Shiro frowns.

 

“Am I going to have to tell Matt that you’re ready to take it to the next level?” Pidge coos.

 

Shiro’s face blossoms a nice red. “No!”

 

“Are you sure?” 

 

“No!” Shiro flails his arms around. “No, wait! Yes. I am sure! I don’t want kids yet!”

 

“ _Yet_ ,” Hunk whispers, grinning.

 

“Shiro, answer me this,” Lance says seriously. “Do you or do you not want Matt to be your baby daddy?” Hunk snorts out a laugh, shaking wildly. Keith tries not to smile.

 

“Stop,” Shiro groans, covering his face with his hands. “You’re all awful, terrible people and I hate you. Except Keith. I don’t hate Keith. He’s the only angel among you foul, foul demons.”

 

Keith beams, and Lance shakes his head, throwing a spare card at him. “Stop looking so happy, it’s just Shiro.”

 

Keith bites his lip, his smile peeking through. He leans in closer to Lance a gives a soft quirk of his lips. “I’m just… happy,” he says quietly, so only Lance can hear him. He gives an earnest look. “I’m glad that your friends like me.”

 

Lance gives him a long look, and Keith feels his heartrate speed up. “Of course they like you? Who _wouldn’t_ like you?” Lance shakes his head and grins. “You’re like a disease.” He takes his cigarette out of his mouth and disposes it on the ashtray. “I don’t think there’s any way they could _hate_ you. Or anyone, for that matter.”

 

Keith gapes at him, his face blushing scarlet. “Oh…” he mumbles, looking down at the floor. “You too…” He looks up to see Lance’s surprised face. “I don’t think there’s any way people could hate you either. You’re…” _Amazing. Intelligent. Kindhearted. Understanding. Welcoming. Warm. Beautiful._

 

Lance barks out a laugh and shakes his head, smiling. “Nah. I’m the worst.” He looks down at the ashtray. “The absolute worst.”

 

Keith wonders what it’s like, to be the most wonderful person in the world, only to hate yourself so much.

 

Lance is perfect to Keith. He’s intelligent and gorgeous and he makes Keith so unimaginably happy. He gives Keith a meaning, a purpose to living and somehow, Lance makes Keith’s struggle all worth it. He makes Keith _want_ to live.

 

(Keith doesn’t know, doesn’t realize that it’s the same. Lance loves Keith in a way that he’s never loved anyone. It’s a tender sort of love, that one would have with someone they care about. Someone so fragile and beautiful. So beautiful, even if they don’t even know it. Lance looks at Keith like he’s hung in moon in the sky, like he’s a goddess, royalty. Like he’s so ethereal and intangible, he’s just out of reach.

 

Lance is deeply and irrevocably in love.)

 

One day, he and Lance are sitting at the edge of the pier overlooking a large lake. Lance is smoking, per usual, blowing the smoke away from Keith. Keith is curled up, his chin resting on his knees. It’s a relatively warm day, and it is kind of muggy outside, especially with them being near the water. But Lance is still pressed up close to Keith’s side. Their hands are so close together, their pinkies barely touching.

 

Keith bites his lip as Lance takes the cigarette out of his mouth and exhales the smoke.

 

Lance really is beautiful, Keith thinks. He has dark, smooth skin that is littered with light beauty marks. His eyes are a dark hazel, an almost rich honey color. His cheeks are peppered with sun-kissed freckles and a scar resides on his chin. His lips are pink and rounded and very chapped, and Keith wants nothing more than to run his own lips across them, to share the taste of the cigarettes that Lance loves so much. He wants to feel the way Lance’s hair feels tangled in his hands and the way Lance’s arms feel wrapped around his waist. He wants to know what Lance tastes like when he doesn’t have a cigarette in his mouth, and what Lance feels like coming undone with Keith above him.

 

Keith’s hands twitch with want, but he restrains himself from doing anything stupid.

 

Lance’s gaze flicks over to Keith, and then back to the water.

 

Keith swallows and bites his lips. “Can I ask kind of a rude question?” he murmurs, breaking their long term silence.

 

Lance grimaces, but nods. “Whatever.”

 

“Why do you hate yourself?”

 

A snort. Lance shakes his head and inhales more smoke. “You’re right. That was a rude question.” Keith opens his mouth to apologize, but Lance holds up a halting hand. “I guess. I don’t really have a reason. I just do.” His eyes turn a bit sad. “I feel like I’ve hated myself for my whole life.”

 

Keith hums.

 

“Now.” Lance stubs his cigarette on the pier. “Keith. Why do you hate yourself?” He turns full-body to Keith.

 

Keith opens his mouth, closes it. “I...” _You don’t know._ “I don’t…  know? I guess I just do.”

 

Lance smiles. “Don’t hate yourself, Keith. You’re amazing.”

 

Keith reels back, his face burning. “W…”

 

Lance’s face is so _honest_. “You’re amazing,” he repeats breathily. His eyes are shining, and Keith feels himself freeze up. _Oh_.

 

“Can I kiss you?” is what Keith blurts out, his face an immaculate shade of carmine.

 

Lance shrugs. “Yeah, okay.” He leans in and kisses Keith full on the mouth.

 

Keith’s heart flutters rapidly. His hands are shaking where they sit balled up on the pier and his eyes are screwed shut. Lance tastes like cigarette smoke and something else. Something new and foreign and inexplicably _Lance_.

 

The kiss is nothing to brag about; it’s clumsy and wet and pretty gross. Their teeth clank together awkwardly and their position isn’t the most comfortable. It’s probably the worst kiss Keith has had, but it’s _perfect_.

 

When Keith pulls back to breathe, Lance is gazing at him with a glazed over look. He looks worn and tired, but in a way that makes him seem content.

 

“That was…” Keith murmurs, breaking the silence once again. “The worst.”

 

Lance snorts, his laugh shaking his body. “Oh, yeah. It was awful.”

 

“Zero out of ten, would not kiss again,” Keith deadpans.

 

Lance laughs. “Bullshit.”

 

Keith shrugs. “Bullshit.” He grins shyly when Lance continues to laugh.

 

Keith joins in on Lance’s laughter, and soon they’re shaking full body, hanging onto each other as they cackle, so that neither of them fall into the lake. A few people stare at them, but for once, Keith doesn’t care. He’s laughing, all rosy-cheeked embarrassment with the boy of his dreams next to him, and for the first time in his life, things are perfect.

 

And he’s happy.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://amedala.tumblr.com)


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